


Letters for Between the Stars

by inkberrry



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Complicated Relationships, F/M, Falling In Love, Forgiveness, Letters, Love Letters, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:28:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27708356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inkberrry/pseuds/inkberrry
Summary: After a tense reunion on Horizon, Rosie Shepard receives an email from Kaidan. She responds, and thus begins a string of letters between the two former lovers.
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Female Shepard
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	Letters for Between the Stars

Kaidan, 

I didn’t expect to see your name in my inbox. I had to double check a few times, just to make sure I wasn’t seeing things, or that someone wasn’t playing some sort of mean joke. I wouldn’t put it past one of my brothers, honestly. But it was really from you. I mean, you know that, of course. I just wasn’t wasn’t sure if I would ever hear from you again after Horizon. 

I’m glad you did write. Thank you. But please, don’t apologize. 

It’s not your fault for surviving the Cerberus attack. And it’s definitely not your fault for moving on. It’s what you should have done. I was dead. Like, actually dead. Oh god, that’s a little weird to type out. But really, Kaidan. I can’t blame you for anything that’s happened or that’s changed the last two years. It must have been difficult for you when I disappeared, and I am _so angry_ at myself for making you go through that. I can’t even imagine what I would feel if our roles were reversed.

I can’t say I’m not hurt, though. I won’t lie you. I never have (except maybe that time you asked how the orange plaid shirt looked on you), so why start now? What you said to me on Horizon felt like bullets. 

Just try to look at it from my side. Please? It may have been years for you, but for me it was months. I thought — just for a second — that everything was okay. Seeing you made me feel like the Collectors, Cerberus, _every bad thing_ , would turn out fine. Seeing you standing there, the light behind you and that surprised look on your face… I don’t know how to say it exactly, but that was the first time since Cerberus woke me up that I felt one hundred percent like myself. I think I needed to see you, to know that you were out there still, to put that last piece of me back together.

But then you opened your mouth.

And I get it, I do. I’m with the enemy. ~~But couldn't you have~~

You asked in your email if I remember before Ilos? Do you really think I would forget that night? Or any of the time I spent with you? Did you forget? I don’t see why it would be different for me. If you still think about it (do you?), then it goes double for me, since it’s fresher in my memory. I can almost still _feel_ you next to me some nights. Your hands, a little rough from working on the tech, but mostly soft, brushing through my hair. Your breath, warm in my ear, and that stupid scratchy stubble making me laugh when you rub your cheek against my neck. Your voice saying my name…

I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be going on like this. I should delete that right now. I should delete this whole mess. But I want you to know. I _need_ you to know. And maybe that’s selfish, but hey, I think I earned that.

I’m still the same person you remember, and just because you said a few hurtful things I’m not going to stop caring about you. I can’t — 

This isn’t something we should do through email.

I promise I’ll be careful. You know me, or at least you thought you did, before. Just promise to do the same, okay? Get enough sleep, drink enough water, don’t let the headaches get too bad. I’m not there to offer my lap to rest your head in, or to dim the lights when they hurt to look at…

God, I can’t do this. Let’s just talk about something else.

-Penrose (you can still call me Rosie, if you want.) 

* * *

Rosie,

Of course I’ll still call you Rosie. That's who you are. Shepard, sure, in the battlefield and on duty. But when it's just us, you're Rosie. 

I’ve got to be honest with you too, though. It took a lot to write that first email. I was angry on Horizon. Hell, I still am. There’s a lot I don’t understand, and I want to trust you, I really do, but things aren't so simple. I can’t put aside my thoughts on Cerberus, and for damn good reasons. But maybe I can put aside my thoughts on you.

Well, not all of them. Not when you write me about how you used to laugh from my beard scratching you. Do you know how long it took me to get that sound to stop playing in my head, after you disappeared? Now I’m stuck imagining it again. Thanks a lot, Rosie. 

Anyway, I think what you said is a good call. Let's keep this free from anything too serious. We've both got a lot going on, it's best to focus on that. No use dredging up old feelings we can't work out. Just know that I hear what you're saying and I'm going to be thinking about it, and you, even if we don't talk about it. I tried for years to stop thinking about you and it didn’t work then, so I don’t see it working now either. 

Thanks for your concern about the headaches, by the way. The implant's been giving me hell lately, but that's nothing new. You got lucky with your L3. If you were a few years older we'd be suffering together with these relics. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad, then. Not that I’d wish the pain on anyone else, especially you, but misery sure loves company doesn’t it? 

Hey, remember when we bet who could toss that Atlas farther? I still think you let me win. I know your implant wasn’t giving you trouble, and you always chew on your lip when you try and lie. That tell will get you in trouble some day, but it sure is cute. 

I should send this soon before I get lost in more memories. Not enough time for that, and again… I’m still trying to sort out all these thoughts of you. 

I know you'll be as safe as you can out there, Rosie. But you do tend to look out for the others more than for yourself. I'd say don't do that, but that wouldn't be you.

-Kaidan

* * *

Kaidan,

Are you insinuating that I lost on purpose? Now why would I do that? I'm sure you beat me fair and square – my biotics were on the fritz that day, I swear. And if I remember correctly you had no problem accepting victory at the time. In fact you made me buy drinks that night for losing! That brandy you like is expensive, Kaidan. I’m still suffering from that. 

Oh, you’re never going to guess who’s on the Normandy. Tali is here! We picked her up on a mission for the Quarians. It's great having her back. I didn’t realize how much I missed her, but now that she’s here the ship feels a lot less empty. Kind of feels like home again. There’s a lot of chatter, a lot of teasing. I think I’m getting better at giving it out. I’ll save up some good ones for you and you can tell me if they’re awful or or not. 

It's almost like old times having Tali and Garrus around. Except, you know. 

There’s a space here for you, by the way. I know you won’t take it, and I know you’re on your own missions and I know we said we wouldn’t talk about these things but… it’s here. 

-Rosie

* * *

Rosie,

You, getting better at teasing people? I’ll believe that when I see it. Growing up with three older brothers you’d think you would be a professional by now, but I guess you were on the other end of it, weren’t you? Or maybe that’s just you — too sweet to do any real harm. 

Unless it’s against the Reapers. Do your worst to them. 

Glad to hear Tali is with you. You two always did get along well. And the big guy, too. I know you can take care of yourself, but it does make me breathe a little easier knowing you’ve got them to watch your back. I don’t know anything about those others who were with you on Horizon, I just hope they’re keeping you safe, too. 

Let Tali and Garrus know I say hello. I have a feeling they’re not as forgiving of what I said on Horizon as you are, but might as well try, right? You know, sometimes I wish I were more like them. Able to accept all this and be there with you. 

Maybe someday.

And thanks for leaving a space for me on the Normandy, and in your crew. You’re something else, you know that Rosie? I can’t think of anyone else who’d do that. If it were up to me, there’d be a space here for you, too. 

-Kaiden

* * *

Kaiden,

I won’t repeat what Tali told me to tell you after your last letter. Actually, I don’t think I _could_ repeat it even if I wanted. Some of those words don’t translate. You were right though; she wasn’t as forgiving as I was. But she wasn’t the one who loved you, so of course things won’t be so easy. I wouldn’t worry about it too much though. She’ll come around. Garrus too, and Joker. 

I can’t wait to introduce you to some of the new crew. We found a young krogan, Grunt. He’s… a bit of a handful. I think you’d like him. He reminds me a little of Phillip. You remember Phil, right? My middle brother. He really wanted to punch you, I’m not sure I ever told you that. Oh, but don’t worry about that, either. I’m sure he wouldn’t knock you out. 

Unless I told him about Horizon. 

(Just kidding) 

-Rosie

* * *

Rosie,

Yes, I remember Phillip. You didn’t mention him wanting to punch me, but I pieced it together. You’ve got some protective brothers. They didn’t scare me away, but next time I see them I’ll be sure to have a burst of biotics ready, just in case. Better safe than on the floor, and I know that oddly deceptive strength of yours has got to run in the family.

I’ll try and believe you about Tali. Your optimism usually pays off. I still don’t know how you’ve got such an endless supply of it, though.

I miss that about you, Rosie. 

I miss you. 

-Kaidan 

* * *

Kaidan,

I miss you, too.

I’ve missed you ever since I woke up. _I miss you so much._

-Rosie

* * *

Kaidan,

I just spent an hour asking Edi how to delete an email that had already been sent. Needless to say, it couldn’t be done. 

I’m sorry if that was too strong, or too much, or too anything at all. We said we wouldn’t talk about these things but sometimes it just hurts, you know? Sometimes I just need to say it.

Anyway, forget all that if that’s what you need to do. God, I’m rambling again. Why do you still make me nervous?

-Rosie 

* * *

Rosie,

Slow down. It’s okay. You don’t need to say you’re sorry. 

I think I understand. And yeah, we said we wouldn’t talk about this, but we can’t keep things bottled up forever, can we? 

And you know what? You still make me nervous, too. That must mean something.

-Kaidan 

* * *

Kaidan,

I don't have much time to respond right now, as much as I want to. We're headed into something called the Omega Four relay, and towards the Collector Base. I know, I know. You don't want to hear about what I am doing with Cerberus.

I just...well, I don't know if I’m going to be coming back from this.

It has me thinking about when we thought _we_ weren't coming back. About that night before Ilos. About us. I don't want to leave with things unsaid. I don't want you to not know how I feel.

But…oh, god, this is hard. You know, Kaidan. You've got to know already.

-Rosie

* * *

Rosie,

I can't believe you're doing this. Are you crazy? What good is this mission going to do? You're going to get yourself and your crew killed. And for what? Cerberus? I thought you were in charge, not them. 

-Kaidan

* * *

Rosie,

I... Rosie, I didn't mean that.

It's been twelve hours. Have you made it back yet? Answer right when you get this.

* * *

Rosie,

Please be okay.

Please answer me. I can't bear to lose you again.

* * *

Kaidan,

I'm so sorry. Please don't worry. I'm back. I'm alive. Everything’s okay.

I’ll say more when I can.

-Rosie

* * *

Rosie,

Thank god you’re okay. Waiting for your email was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in a long time. I damn near broke protocol and went off to find you myself this time. Another hour and I would have — I wasn’t about to make the same mistake twice.

I knew I was glad to have you back in my life, even if it was just these emails. They felt like enough. But when I thought you were gone again, when I thought about my life without you again, I realized a lot of things. 

I need to see you. Where is the Normandy headed next? I don't care what I have to do, I'll get an assignment somewhere close.

-Kaidan

* * *

Kaidan,

They took away the Normandy! They took away _my ship_! I don't want to sound like a spoiled teenager – but damn it, that is my ship and I want it back!

So to answer your question; the Normandy is on Earth, locked up in dry dock without her Commander. After we got back from wherever the relay took us, the Alliance grounded me and docked the Normandy. I won't give you the details, I know you don't want the ones about what happened in the Collector Base. I might get in even more trouble if I do, anyway. 

I want to sit and re-read your last email in hopes that if I do they’ll be more to it. I want to hear what you want to say in person. Try and get to Earth, if you can.

-Rosie

* * *

Rosie,

Dry dock? You must have really made them mad this time, Rosie. 

Stay put on Earth, though. That’s somewhere I can manage to get to. Why don’t you try and enjoy yourself while you can. Relax a little. Find a bottle of that brandy, maybe? I have a feeling we’re going to want it. 

-Kaidan

* * *

  
Kaidan,

Oh so it’s my turn to buy the brandy again? You better be ready to cook me dinner, at least. 

But god, I am so bored here. Even Anderson won't step over the bureaucratic red tape and let me actually do anything.

Can you just come attack my house here on earth? Maybe then I can fake my death and get off this planet. Let's run away and be bandits.

Love you.  
Rosie

* * *

Rosie,

Biotic space bandits on the run, huh? I'm up for it as long as you are.

I don't think I can manage to attack your house, though. Sorry. Might hit you in the process and I can't risk that. I will be there soon, though. Just hold on a little while longer. And won’t worry, I’ll always cook dinner for you. 

I love you too.  
-Kaidan

* * *

Kaidan,

Oh well. It was worth a shot asking. In the meantime I’m not going anywhere. I’ll wait as long as I need to for you.

And… I think its about time we talked about this, Kaidan. For real. Because it's so easy and _so good_ to see you say you still love me. 

I want to hear it, though. And I want you to hear me say it.

I’ll see you soon. 

Love,  
Rosie

**Author's Note:**

> It's be a while since I've replayed mass effect, but I've had this idea in my head for years. I just can't imagine Rosie not trying to fix things with Kaidan as soon as she can. Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed my little self-indulgent back and forth.


End file.
